To finally live in the fantasy that your younger self once dreamed behind the counter of serving taco bells was a fulfilling moment. The sigh of relief to join the workforce would bookmark one of the important chapters in your life.

However, I do weird things. For one, I worked harder, which is particularly strange since I wouldn’t even attend any of my lectures. I utilised every free hour to its fullest extent, going so far as to reduce my sleep significantly. I guess I realised unearthing the potential of mathematics lies behind algorithms, and hence, I have lots to learn. On top of this was the urge to master the available tools in this modern age. Funny thing is that these efforts seemed to lack a clear purpose. The difficulty in rationalising this strange behaviour haunts me the same way as realising them.

It was either to fulfil my (i) need for more knowledge or (ii) a void. Both sounds equally frustrating. Point (i) chains you to an inevitable cycle because life is a continuous learning journey. Moreover, attaining more of anything is always a catalyst for a little daily ego-booster and accepting this makes you feel like a weak padawan. Point (ii) is something I have spent my whole life trying to solve, where every attempt has only led to much dismay.

Recently, I started wishing that I could return to my younger years, when all I had to worry about was completing quizzes due by 11:59 pm on a Friday night with my friend, Chegg. During that time, there was hope that things would improve, no matter how difficult it was, and this faith was supported by my oblivion to the adult world. This idea suggests that a child is in the most optimal state which is why they are always smiling, so much that I might just envy them. It has become apparent to me that waking myself up at 4 am every day was just my way of giving life another chance after lost hope.

To the brewing of hate that plays the symphony to my heart’s desires, and to the weak that surrenders to my sufferings.