There are many moments where I would need 20 minutes to solve a problem, and my university colleagues would come in and solve the same problem in just a few minutes. Indeed, many times I have wondered, “Why the hell am I here?”

The type of people you meet in mathematics range from Detective Conan to Terence Tao. Unique and gifted individuals where mathematical intuition is just one eye blink away.

Unfortunately, I am the outlier, or an element lying in the complement of that set. So pursuing mathematics has put me on a rollercoaster of emotions. Facing self-doubt, fears, and deciding when to give up can be a challenging part of problem-solving, but it’s also an essential aspect of personal growth. It’s important to remember that making mistakes and encountering difficulties are natural parts of the learning process. By persevering through moments of uncertainty, you can develop resilience and build the skills needed to tackle complex problems with confidence.

Note that it is okay to ask for help and take breaks when needed. The key is to keep pushing forward and believe in your ability to overcome obstacles.

There is an old saying that you usually love doing things that you are good at. How I would visualise this relationship is represented by Figure 1. The figure depicts how much you like something grows linearly with how easy it comes to you, or how good you are at it.

If that is the case, why do I love maths?

Unfortunately, the hardships I faced during my childhood has resulted me in utilising a maths textbook as my moral compass. That was how I taught myself the difference between right and wrong. Young me was determined to find what lies behind the unknown that awaits after our death, and the purpose of our existence. The ease of retrieving certainty by flipping a page of a textbook was enough to convince my younger self that I do love Maths. Hence, why I am here. Little did I know that I was trying to answer the same questions that philosophers have been trying to solve for decades. Foolish me thinking that I could solve it with maths.

To compensate with my weaknesses in Mathematics, I need time to play around with the numbers. Managing multiple jobs on top of this was horrifying. Given these kind of circumstances, one should have pursued anything else besides Mathematics, something that didn’t require time and patience. Especially, if you are not naturally gifted at mathematics. But since I am addicted to inducing self destructive behaviour and living on the edge of life, I am here. If you are/were in the same position as me, good job and give yourself a pat on the back.

I admire all my undergrad friends. Sometimes, my flaws in problem solving would be pointed out by them. In that kind of situation, all I have to do is shrug it off with, “Haha, skill diff,” and other jokes that would satisfy these buffoons and go home, and try harder. Even though you will never be as smart as them, you are still there and that is all it matters sometimes! Like in a movie, you are not the main character, but you are still in the film. It is as if you are that extra tree in the background that no one asked for, but you are waving your branches so noticeably high that people can’t miss you!

Sometimes, that alone is good enough 🙂